"Self-preservation." this statement, explaining everything; from this female version of myself.
And as the burden of circumstance weighs upon me, it is, quite simply, the best explanation for why I act the way I do, and will. I can't quite seem to put someone else before myself, at least not in this aspect. For I find that I might stand before a blade for a friend, or stare down the barrel of a gun for a loved one, but ask me to put my faith in the unknown, to invest that part of myself in something that I have the slightest reservations for, and I'll surely break, slowly, eventually.
I would rather die for something I'm sure of, than live for something wreathed in the uncertainty that this world is.
As I drift, this fissure will expand, and these optimists, they will all forsake me. They will shake their heads disapprovingly, and their words will be scornful and malicious. All because I took a stance, and made a choice for myself. There are no wrong decisions, I'll tell them, only decisions, for there will always be "what if?" and "what will be?", regardless of the path one chooses. And, asshole, they'll retort.
But I'll return to one of my many homes, and the longest silence will be my confiding in the person there.
For she always understood why, even before I did.
Posted at 08:14 am by name
